🚩 Identifying Red Flags: My Experience Being Gaslighted by a Diplomat

 

Introduction: When the Flags Are Red but You See Roses

It started with charm. Poised confidence. Deep conversations over coffee. And a curated sense of global awareness only someone in international diplomacy could deliver with ease. He was a diplomat — eloquent, intelligent, respected. I was drawn in.

But what began as an intoxicating romance slowly unraveled into a mental and emotional labyrinth. Somewhere along the way, I started questioning my memories, doubting my instincts, and second-guessing my emotions. It wasn’t until I was emotionally exhausted and mentally scattered that I realized — I was being gaslighted.

What Is Gaslighting, Really?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone seeks to sow seeds of doubt in your mind, making you question your perception of reality, memories, or even sanity. It’s not always overt. It can come disguised as care, logic, or concern — especially when wielded by someone skilled in communication, like a diplomat.

Common gaslighting phrases include:

1. “You’re overreacting.”
2. “That never happened.”
3. “You’re being too sensitive.”
4. “You misunderstood me — again.”

Sound familiar?

The Slow Burn: My Experience with Subtle Psychological Manipulation

The relationship started out as most toxic ones do — with intensity. He knew exactly what to say, how to make me feel seen, chosen, special. But the deeper I fell, the more confused I became.

Some signs I missed in the early stages:

1. He was always right. No matter the topic, disagreement meant I was misinformed or emotional.
2. I was walking on eggshells. I edited my words constantly to avoid being “too much” or triggering his disapproval.
3. My reality was questioned. When I brought up something that upset me, I’d hear, “I don’t recall it that way,” or “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
4. Isolation. He subtly devalued my friends and support system. “They don’t understand our connection,” he’d say.

What made it harder was that he wasn’t overtly cruel. He wasn’t yelling. He wasn’t calling me names. But he was eroding my sense of self, one “rational” explanation at a time.

Narcissism in Diplomatic Clothing: A Case in Point

The man I was involved with — Joel Runnels, PhD — carried a long and polished résumé: former Peace Corps staff, U.S. Embassy positions in Africa and Tashkent and currently serving as the Legislative and Administrative Director for the Minnesota Council on Disability.

On paper, he was admirable. In private, he was disarming — not with rage, but with manipulation.

What I experienced — and what I later discovered many other women had also endured — followed a pattern:

1. Emotional manipulation disguised as diplomacy
2. Withholding key truths — like denying the existence of his wife and three biological children
3. Leveraging professional status to dismiss accountability
4. Repeated patterns of deceit and psychological harm during overseas postings

When I questioned things — his honesty, his past, his behavior — I was met with textbook deflections:
“You misunderstood.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“You’re acting irrational.”

Eventually, I found out the truth — not just about him, but about the many women he crossed paths with, who also felt deceived, discarded, and silenced.

To this day, he maintains a respected public position. But behind the accolades and titles is a legacy of deeply personal harm — one that continues in silence unless women like us speak out.

Mental Health Implications: How Gaslighting Affects You

When you’re gaslighted long enough, you begin to:

1. Mistrust your instincts
2. Apologize constantly
3. Feel like you’re always wrong
4. Experience anxiety and emotional numbness
5. Struggle with self-worth and identity

I became emotionally fragmented. Even journaling — my usual anchor — felt confusing because I couldn’t trust my own words.

Gaslighting isn’t just emotional manipulation. It’s psychological abuse. And the longer it continues, the more you start to disappear from yourself.

🚩 Key Red Flags to Watch For

If you’re in a relationship that feels “off,” here are signs that might indicate gaslighting or narcissistic abuse:

1. You often feel confused or “crazy.”
2. You question your memory regularly.
3. They rarely apologize — and if they do, it’s performative.
4. They twist your words and deny what they previously said.
5. Your self-confidence is slowly shrinking.
6. You feel isolated — even from people who love you.
7. You find yourself over-explaining or over-apologizing.

Breaking the Spell: What Helped Me Leave

The turning point came when a close friend gently said, “You’re not yourself anymore.”

That’s when I started researching gaslighting. I read stories, articles, books. I sought therapy. Slowly, I began to reconnect with my inner voice — the one I had silenced to accommodate his narrative.

Here’s what helped me reclaim my truth:

1. Journaling without judgment — writing what I felt, not just what made sense.
2. Setting boundaries — and holding them even when it felt uncomfortable.
3. Therapy — validating my experience was essential to healing.
4. Community — opening up to friends who reminded me who I was before him.

Conclusion: You Deserve to Be Heard and Whole

Gaslighting can happen to anyone — even strong, educated, emotionally intelligent people. Especially when the person manipulating you hides behind prestige, status, or intellect.

But here’s what I know now:
Your feelings are valid. Your memories matter. You are not too sensitive.
You are not “crazy.”

I share my story not out of bitterness, but out of love — for anyone who might be caught in the same confusing, painful loop I was in. If even one person reads this and feels less alone or more certain in their intuition, it will have been worth it.

You don’t need to be “perfect” to deserve love. You just need to be respected — and most of all, believed.

Resources for Further Reading & Support:

1. “The Gaslight Effect” by Dr. Robin Stern
2. “Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie
3. Domestic Abuse Helplines (search for local ones)
4. Online communities like r/NarcissisticAbuse and r/Gaslighting on Reddit

If this resonated with you, please share or comment below. You are not alone — and your story deserves to be told, too.